Most of us imagine deep and meaningful conversations to take place in a private setting where one-on-ones with a trusted confidant can go uninterrupted. These conversations are likely with a person we are comfortable letting our guard down with. Friends who dance around invisible safety lines and avoid telling each other harsh truths, keep each other stuck in a perpetual circle. This comfortable familiarity can stagnate growth.
One-on-ones with a supportive person that has a clear understanding of your past history can be bias towards you and might avoid many important subjects due to over sensitivity. This can trap you both in an endless cycle of repetitive conversations with no meaning or direction. Someone you can vent to in a private bubble is healthy but when that venting is the main subject matter, you are both enabling an unhealthy negative relationship. With time, false beliefs, delusional thinking, and control issues may emerge unconsciously due the content you are both feeding each other. Consciously breaking this negative reinforcement cycle will prove rewarding to both parties instantaneously and in the long run.
“In making a speech one must study three points: first, the means of producing persuasion; second, the language; third the proper arrangement of the various parts of the speech.” —Aristotle
Misconstrued Definitions
Some of us are having empty conversations—without realizing—when we use words that can be interpreted ambiguously. Words seldom have one definition and can send conflicting messages when misunderstood. The ancient Greeks best captured this example in their many definitions of what people loosely call love.
Greek definitions of love:
1. Agape:
The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.
This type of love is not the sentimental outpouring that often passes as love in our society. It has nothing to do with the condition-based type of love that our sex-obsessed culture tries to pass as love.
Agape is what some call spiritual love. It is an unconditional love, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion, an infinite empathy. It is what the Buddhists describe as “mettā” or “universal loving kindness.” It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations, and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.
2. Eros:
Named after the Greek god of love and fertility. Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.
The ancient Greeks considered Eros to be dangerous and frightening as it involves a “loss of control” through the primal impulse to procreate. Eros is a passionate and intense form of love that arouses romantic and sexual feelings.
Eros is an exulted and beautifully idealistic love that in the hearts of the spiritually mature can be used to “recall knowledge of beauty” (as Socrates put it) through tantra and spiritual sex. But when misguided, eros can be misused, abused and indulged in, leading to impulsive acts and broken hearts.
3. Philia:
The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals.
Plato felt that physical attraction was not a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, “without physical attraction.” Philia is a type of love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.
As Aristotle put it, philia is a “dispassionate virtuous love” that is free from the intensity of sexual attraction. It often involves the feelings of loyalty among friends, camaraderie among teammates, and the sense of sacrifice for your pack.
4. Mania:
Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus.
To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their own value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers, feeling as though they desperately “need” their partners.
If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. This is why mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.
5. Storge
Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.
Storge love can even be found among childhood friends that is later shared as adults. But although storge is a powerful form of love, it can also become an obstacle on our spiritual paths, especially when our family or friends don’t align with or support our journey.
6. Ludus
Although ludus has a bit of the erotic eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.
Ludus is that feeling we have when we go through the early stages of falling in love with someone, e.g. the fluttering heart, flirting, teasing, and feelings of euphoria.
7. Pragma
Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.
You can find pragma in married couples who’ve been together for a long time, or in friendships that have endured for decades. Unfortunately, pragma is a type of love that is not easily found. We spend so much time and energy trying to find love and so little time in learning how to maintain it.
Unlike the other types of love, pragma is the result of effort on both sides. It’s the love between people who’ve learned to make compromises, have demonstrated patience and tolerance to make the relationship work.
8. Philautia
The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with narcissism.
Instead, philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of “self-compassion” which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”
You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. The only way to truly be happy is to find that unconditional love for yourself. Only once you learn to love and understand yourself, will you be ready to search for the spiritual freedom of the Self.
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.” —Plato
We like to believe that we’re good listeners and absorb meaning clearly—but we can be limited by attention, intention and unstructured syntax. Depending on your psychological mindset, past experience, conscious awareness and linguistic capacity, you may misconstrue a persons words or actions. Just as in the above example of the word ‘love’ it is common to take different words (that we assume others understand) out of context.
Trilogues: Balancers, Buffers & Translators
Like a gyroscope, input from a third person can rotate the conversation to show everyone a new face of the topic.
Balancers
A third person in a conversation can help balance the playing field and disclose submerged icebergs that could have been hidden for years. In the presence of balancers, those who exercise soft power and subtle influence games are disarmed. It is harder for manipulative people that are used to playing mind games to tilt situations in their favor when balancers are in the room. They can neutralize unbalanced duos by asking the right questions, showing mutual respect and bridging neglected gaps. If there is a dispute, balancers are the right people to shift unfair situations and bring new evidence to light.
Buffers
Buffers can filter noise, simplify complexity and distill meaning in a way where everyone evenly understands. They have laser focus and sharp minds that bluntly cut through bullshit. Buffers want everyone to walk away having understood exactly what was said and how it was said. Everyone feels safe around buffers and asks them direct questions because they will not answer with sarcasm, attitude or ego. Buffers are always asked to sit-in negotiations, important meetings, awkward phone calls, tense confrontations, and unclear social situations.
Translators
Translators can dissolve confusion between two people with language or life experience barriers. Translators have control of context and can include or exclude data which can change the outcome of conversations. Because they are in the middle, translators may deal with projected reactions and extra pressure. Ethical translators act as mediums and don’t distort the messages they are entrusted to communicate.
Triads in Sync
Talking or brainstorming in a trio almost always helps cover more topics and ideas. These sessions can go on for a longer time because having an extra person adds to the dynamic and conversation flow.
Numerically, voting and making decisions can be done with less friction in an odd group. Three people quantitatively have more experiential value and input than two.
Harmonically, a third person can tune the noise and synchronize speech to a neutral tone, in a way where everyone’s voice is heard. Someone familiar with the nuances of indented dialogue can harmonize any situation.
Aesthetically, three represents the golden ratio and the rule of thirds. These timeless ways of looking at beauty and organizing structure can be seen everywhere from the dimensions of our modern tablet screens to ancient architecture.
Symbolically, three represents creativity and contains the beginning, the middle and the end. Three is energy moving forward into expression and overcoming duality.
